LETTERS Because I am the most extreme person in Australia I get a lot of dudes writing to me with problems or wanting advice. I try to give them the most intelliginated response I can to help them out. Here's this week's letters: Dear Mitch My name is Peta and I've just started skating with the boys at my local skate park. I have long blonde hair and blue eyes. I think you are so extreme and you're really cute too. It's hard sometimes cause the other skater boys always say I'm a chick and I can't skate properly. What should I do? P.S. I also love Justin Timberlake. Thanks for your letter Peta mate but you are one mixed up dude. If you wanna stop your mates from calling you a chick then you have to stop acting just like one. You have to cut your hair man and stop listening to Justin Timberlake. That is so not fresh. You are right that I am very extreme but as far as me being cute goes, thanks man but that is the fulliest gay thing you said. Dear Mitch I am furious that my son Keiran followed your advice on how to jump over a car on his BMX. He attempted this trick while my wife and I were away and has ended up in hospital. Thank god he's alright but he's had to have a metal plate inserted in his skull. You are a bad example to young people and I hold you fully responsible for Keiran's injury. Outraged of Richmond Dear Outraged. Just chill man. Your son sounds like a fully sick dude (I don't mean cause he's in hospital) I can't believe he actually completed the stunt! That's mad! Think about all the family jokes you can have about his metal plate when he gets out. For example: Anyone bring a plate for lunch?, Look out here comes the Tin Man, Skull the drink!…Oh Keiran can't. And imagine how funny airport security's gonna be?? WHY I AM SO SICK - PART TWO (TOP 10 WAYS I HAVE SERIOUSLY HURT MY NUTS) 10. The Slip and Slide incident. When I positioned the slide in front of the clothes line, lost control and slid into the pole. (hospital) 9. Skateboarding on the trampoline. When I tried to do this rad ollie on the trampoline but fell with my legs between the springs. (hospital - paramedic required for removal) 8. Indoor Rail Grind. When I tried to do this mad rail grind on my skateboard on the staircase inside our house and squashed my nuts on the handrail. (non hospital) 7. The Ten Pin Bowling incident at my friend Ryan's party. When I got my fingers stuck in the bowling ball and couldn't let go so it swung into my nuts. (hospital) 6. Slamming my foot so hard on the dustbin pedal that the lid hit me in the nuts. (non hospital) 5. The Break-dancing mishap. When I did this mad back spin on the loungeroom floor and wacked my nuts on the coffee table. (non-hospital) 4. Hitting the totem tennis ball so hard that I couldn't see it heading straight for my nuts (non hospital) 3. Getting too excited on Christmas morning and skidding on the kitchen tiles and impaling myself on the open dishwasher door. (hospital) 2. When I tried to trick the neighbours greyhound into thinking I had some food down my pants (hospital - extended stay) 1. Making Liam laugh when we were in the pool by pretending the Kreepy Krawly was a stingray and letting it attack my arse. (hospital- skin graft required) WHEN MUM AND DAD GO AWAY It's fully rad when your Mum and Dad go away and you're the boss of the house. Mine went to Great Keppel Island in March this year and I just went madcore for two weeks. Here is a list of some sick things you can do around the house if your Mum and Dad go away. • Drain out the pool and use it as a skate bowl. Invite your mates around and drop into the bowl off the roof of your house. • Invite chicks over and watch tv with them. • Drink beer (if over 18). • Walk from the bathroom to your bedroom in the nude. • Go through your Dad's safe and read his will. • Set up your Dad's scanner on his computer, scan your bum and use it as a screensaver. • Punch your little brother for no reason. • Microwave cooking chocolate and brown sugar and then eat it. • Put your tongue on a 9 volt battery. • Skate in the lounge room and do a rail grind on the coffee table • Get a nipple ring. • Lock your brother in his room and make him miss dinner. • Find your Dad's porno mags and look at them. • Call overseas and talk in a foreign accent. • Order a pizza then don't answer the door when it comes. • Tell your brother that someone was murdered in the house once then when he's asleep make freaky noises and get under a white sheet and run past his door. • Hold onto the ceiling fan and get your brother to turn it on and see how long you can stay on. • Shave your head. • Shave off your brothers eyebrows while he's asleep. • Steal your brother's towel while he's in the shower and make him walk out to get it while the chicks are over watching TV. Sick. WHY I AM SO SICK - Part 1 People often say "Mitch I wish I was as extreme as you". Well it takes years to get to my level of extremeness but it's never too late to start. Here's a few tips to start you off. Hair. I have full gnarly hair. My spiky dreads give the illusion of me being hardcore. I achieve this result by never washing it. Eyebrow ring. Piercings are insane and they make you look mad. Mine got ripped off on Dad's car aerial so I've got a scar now which is even madder. Safety Gear. In order to do extreme stunts you have to always consider safety. A helmet, elbow pads, wrist guards, knee pads and nut box help to stop you from ripping heaps of flesh off if you stack and they make you look fully gnarly too. Tattoo. My real tattoo killed to get. Mum went off at me but Dad thought it was mad. The pain was worth it cause all chicks love tats. Key Chain. These are rad and a must for anyone trying to be extreme. Be careful not to get yours caught in your bike chain. I did once and it resulted in a nasty spoke injury on my arse cheek. Scars. If you've got scars it means you've probably had full crusty wounds that have healed and to get full crusty wounds you must have done something extreme!! I got a scar from the extreme wakeboarding trial. I couldn't get to a river so I got Dad to tow me down the road in the car with the sprinkler going to simulate water. Unfortunately we hit a speed hump and because I'd tied my hands to the handle for safety I couldn't let go and dad dragged me along the road for 400 metres. I had 3 weeks off school and Mum went through 17 bottles of Mercurochrome. Sick!
